To Be Perfectly Quite Honest...

First, here's the link again to my Photobucket albums, I put up more pics today:
http://s247.photobucket.com/albums/gg135/Alissa6587/
I also made a facebook album with some of the same photos, and some ones that I don't want my family to see... :)

so guyz, this blog will probs be kinda depressing, and as a disclaimer, I don't want you to think I am having a terrible time, or want to come home for real, or wish I hadn't come or anything like that. I also don't want you to think that I'm being a whiner or a brat, but hopefully since you are reading this, you are a friend and know me and know that I'm only those things sometimes...no, really, I just don't really have anyone to vent to except this blog (not true, I could call you, but really, it isn't the same. I don't have anyone here that I want to vent to..ANYWAY)

I'm just going through a slump, if you will...the initial excitement and bewilderment has faded some, and now I'm left with," holy shit, I'm actually LIVING here for five months.." I have to rebuild a life, with a new country, new culture, new school, new teachers, new students, new home, new friends, new setting...new everything. If that wouldn't overwhelm you, I don't know what would. I KNOW I'll settle eventually, I KNOW I'll find my niche, I KNOW it's only been a couple weeks, it'll get easier....but that doesn't make it much easier RIGHT NOW. To be a bit unsure, on edge, confused, and insecure 24/7 is, needless to say, exhausting, overwhelming, and at times, awful. Some of the time all I want to do is curl up in bed with magazines, movies, and endless junk food and cry. Other times I want to get so drunk that I can't feel anything, or do a line just to get 30 minutes of confidence and exhilaration. Fortunately, I haven't done either. I do force myself to socialize, go out, go to the gym, dance, study....but it's hard. I don't have a lot of motivation right now (hence why I'm writing this blog instead of doing reading). Normally I'm so pumped to begin a new semester: you get to start fresh, new courses, new ideas. right now I have no desire to learn anything, see anything, be around anyone. Anything that anyone says to me that is remotely rude or unfriendly or standoffish (or anti-american... I am getting REALLY sick of the jokes) just GETS to me like it normally doesn't.
I spend way too much time in my room on the internet, on facebook, iChat, skype.... it actually just makes things worse, i zone out and look at pics of friends and talk to my parents on skype and it all makes me even more homesick. I'm not the type that adjusts to change quickly. There are some international students here that already have BFFs and tons of pics on facebook of them being all adjusted and shit. Fuck them, man. i need time, time to feel comfortable and adjust and get my bearings, but by the time that happens, everyone's all fucking settled and happy and i'm left in the dust.
the worst part of all of this is that i feel like in order to fit in and make friends, i can't be myself. and you all know that being anyone but myself is NOT something I at all enjoy doing or desire. I am, in fact, quite bad at it. so i can either silently be myself inside and sell out on the outside, or i can shut down and wither away not being me at all.
i keep wondering how i am coming off to everyone. as a bitch? a stranger? an american? a cute girl? a freak? a nerd? a slut? any of those, or none? or worse, is no one noticing, or caring? i just want this part to be over, and i want my vision of many darling british friends, fun pub/club nights, studying, and cute euro boys that love my california-ness to come true. i feel displaced and unsettled, and i can only tolerate that for so long. this experience makes me appreciate how pomona spends the entire first month of college forcing us to interact and make friends. as childish as it made us feel then, i probably wouldnt have made the friends and gained the support that i got that first year. now pomona isn't here to hold my hand, and i hate to say it, but i'm a bit lost. everyone keeps saying, "oh alissa, don't worry, just be your wonderful self and everyone will love you and you'll have tons of friends, etc". don't forget, though, people judge books by their covers, and you only get one shot at a first impression. and i am pretty terrible at those, dont deny it, you all met me for the first time at one point, some of you more recently than others, and you know that sometimes i dont come off well. and to top it off, i dont have any of you here to back me up and assure people that yes, i'm a cool person, and no, im not a bitch, my natural expression is a frown. :) only this isn't pomona, a small community where i have four whole years to impress people. and this isn't ADF, where i'm only here 6 weeks and only hang out with mikey anyway. and this certainly isn't Analy where everyone knows each other since kindergarten or middle school. are you getting my gist yet?
so now i'm off to halfheartedly finish my reading and drift into a deep sleep where i wake up unrefreshed and un-enthused.